2 years

it has been 2 years

i feel you harder than i normally do

i always feel you but now it is more tangible

i am getting memories that feel so vivid they could’ve been yesterday

2 years

365 days twice

10 + 120 + 600 = 730 days

i’m sitting at a table in the milstein center

the milstein center at barnard college

i finished my first year of college

do you know that this is where i ended up?

i wish we could’ve talked about it together

i wish we could’ve wanted me to go here together

i don’t think we had a single conversation where we talked about me going to barnard

when we last spoke i wanted to go to yale

i wanted to be an astrophysicist

i was dating a boy

you told me i’d become such a good writer

do you know that this is where i ended up?

i don’t want to be an astrophysicist anymore

the harvard class went well

i got an a

the internship went well

my team discovered an object in space

it’s 66 light-years away

maybe that’s where you are

i don’t want to be an astrophysicist anymore

because i want to be other things

a leader

a role model

an innovator

a visionary

like you

i stopped dating that boy

you said you liked him

i did too

our relationship didn’t work anymore

but it’s nice to know he still cares

do you know that this is where i ended up?

i’m still a good writer

i think i’m a better writer now

i understand it more now

i understand a lot of things more now

i see you standing at my door every single day

i see you there

i feel you there

it feels so real sometimes i feel like the world is caving in on me

i’m screaming but no one can hear me

it’s silent

maybe they can hear me crying

maybe you can hear me crying

2 years

730 days

i’m an adult now

supposedly

i still feel like a child

i think that happens to kids who have to grow up faster than other kids

they still feel young

always

their childhood abruptly stopped

i’m sorry

it wasn’t your fault

you tried your absolute hardest

i’ve learned a lot of things

i’ve learned that life is unfair

life is really unfair

do you know that this is where i ended up?

i wish you could see me walking around on campus

i know exactly what you would’ve done

you would’ve taken a picture of me through the barnard gates

on your iPhone

zoomed in way too much

of me half smiling

half embarrassed

but letting you have your moment

my moment

our moment

we did it

do you know that this is where i ended up?

i tell myself i’ll see you again

no one knows what this feels like

no one will ever know what this feels like

everything i am is because of you

i carry you with me in everything that i do

i am luckiest person in the world to have been raised by you

to another year of living on your legacy

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